Struggle as I do, I once more find myself unsuccessful in avoiding the Fox blockbuster, American Idol. Once again, I enjoy watching how the various performers respond to the weekly critiques offered up by Randy, Paula and Simon. Much about these young people is demonstrated by how “coachable” they are. Do they react in knee jerk fashion to comments made by the judges? Or, do they listen and take what is worthwhile and helpful, applying the suggestions so as to improve their performance the following week?
Invariably, those who are most coachable seem to stick around the longest and develop the largest following.
One of the most helpful attributes a parent can help his or her child develop is being coachable. Being coachable reflects the child’s desire to improve as well as his or her recognition that there are always others who know more. A refreshing humility permeates confident coachability. So, parents, as you like me, find yourself drawn to watching American Idol, you can use it as a time to not only enjoy the performances but to teach your child about the important of being coachable.
I am trying to follow the HBO Series John Adams. What I have seen so far has been outstanding and I highly recommend it. The series is based on David McCullough’s book, John Adams. Tom Hanks is the producer. A memorable scene for me came as Adams was in France during the Revolutionary War, accompanied by his young son, John Quincy Adams (who would later be President like his father). An opportunity had developed for John Quincy to accompany a diplomat to Russia. The young boy asked his father to allow him to remain in Paris with him. That was the son’s strong preference. The father in a brief few minutes spoke to his son about not always doing what is convenient and “preferable.” There are other factors such as duty, priorities and values to consider when deciding a course of action. He used his own example being so far from his wife, Abigail, and their family because of his commitment to this young, struggling nation. His strong preference would have been to stay home on the family farm. But, duty, priorities and his values dictated otherwise.
How many of us have such teaching conversations with our children instructing them about the fact that there are causes larger and more important than self. Further, how many of us can point to ourselves as examples for our children in demonstrating this important teaching point?
As we walked down 14th Street in Washington D.C., I noticed on my left a small park with a man talking through a microphone. He continued to speak as we walked by the park. Most odd was that no one was assembled to listen to him. In fact, not even those in the park in close proximity were paying any attention to him.
We continued towards the Washington Mall and off to the right was the ascending and majestic looking Washington Monument. Though the first President has long been gone, countless people were walking up and around the Monument. The contrast between the man in the park speaking to no one and the long deceased President continuing to move and influence thousands was striking. I define leadership as the ability to influence others.
When it comes to influencing your child, is your leadership comparable to the man speaking to no one, or is more like that of General Washington who is highly regarded and influential even when not present?
I spend a great deal of time selling children on the notion that if they believe they can, they will and if they believe they can’t, they won’t . . . so give yourself the benefit of the doubt, I argue, and believe that you can do great things with your life, so that you will! I think many parents today could benefit from the same kind of encouragement.
My recent blog entry that cites the staggering number of young girls today infected with sexually transmitted diseases continues to occupy much of my thinking. I have followed for years now the various debates regarding how to help young people become responsible as they mature and develop physically and sexually. I have watched the point of view that advocates teaching children about the value of abstinence in sexual activity depicted as naive and unsuccessful. I have seen the impact of the AIDS scourge on this debate and most recently read the data describing the extent of sexually transmitted disease.
I have concluded that at the heart of much of this discussion is a question that is not often pointedly asked or answered. Can I as a parent influence the attitudes, values and behaviors of my child? I think that many parents have thrown in the towel and concluded that, in fact, their children’s behavior in this realm is largely outside of their sphere of influence. When stacked against the factors of music, television, cinema and the internet, to name just a few, such an attitude is understandable.
However, as I ran on the treadmill this morning and looked over at the mom sweating next to me who was also reading a book about some aspect about being a better parent, I am inspired to encourage my fellow parents again, that your child is waiting for you to assert yourself and clearly outline both in word and deed, how to live a winning and achieving life. I promise you that you will be thrilled with the outcomes. You see, I believe that parents have the capacity to provide leadership to their children in so many areas that many of us have given up. If you think you can, you can and you will. I think you can.
Well, I am sure that many of you are reading about my state’s governor who will be resigning on March 17 due to his sexual improprieties. I expect that not a few parents and their children are discussing this headline that just won’t go away.
MSNBC reports almost simultaneously that researchers at the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have found in the first study of its kind that at least one in 4 teenage American girls has a sexually transmitted disease. The most common one is a virus that can cause cervical cancer. link
The duty of a parent to be his or her child’s first and best teacher about such matters cannot be underlined enough times. The osmosis approach to teaching your child expects your child to pick up your values and guidance by being in close proximity to you. This approach to teaching your child is at best, naive and at worse, irresponsible. My strongest recommendation is that parents pro actively assume the responsibility of teacher for his or her child.
This review from Publishers Weekly caught my attention because I have written often about the concept of helicopter parents
A Nation of Wimps: The High Cost of Invasive Parenting Hara Estroff Marano. Broadway, $23.95 (272p) ISBN 978-0-7679-2403-0
Marano, editor-at-large at Psychology Today and author (Why Doesn’t Anybody Like Me? A Guide to Raising Socially Confident Kids), takes a penetrating look at the growing trend of invasive parenting.
Marano likens many parents to hovering helicopters or snowplows trying to remove all obstacles. The unfortunate result is that children become increasingly fragile, unable to make decisions or cope with failure. Interspersing her text with interviews from experts and cutting-edge research, Marano follows the trail from heavily programmed preschoolers and overprotected grade school kids to stressed out, overachieving high school students and dependent college kids caught in a rising campus mental health crisis (thanks to cellphones, the new umbilical cord, they carry their parents ‘in their jeans pockets’). Rather than helping children to find success and happiness, the author argues, this over-involvement has exploded into a generation of infantilized wimps who can’t handle everyday life. Instead, she advises, ‘help your kids fail’ ‹more is learned from mistakes than from success, including critical thinking skills. The book is chock-full of fascinating information, some of it controversial, such as a suspected link between a diagnosis of ADHD and insufficient free play in the early years. Marano’s dire warning to back off will hit a raw nerve with many parents, but her message may come not a moment too soon for their kids.
The Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life recently detailed the religious affiliations of the American public. The survey looked at the shifts taking place among religious denominations. The news reports I saw about the survey featured various headlines all of which cited particular shifts from one denomination to another. I saw no headlines highlighting what most caught my eye. The survey finds that the number of people who say they are unaffiliated with any particular faith today (16.1%) is more than double the number who say they were not affiliated with any particular religion as children. Among Americans ages 18-29, one-in-four say they are not currently affiliated with any particular religion. The majority of this unaffiliated group is made up of those who describe their faith as ‘nothing in particular.’ This group is further broken down among those who observe that religion is not important in their lives and those who say that religion is either somewhat important or very important, but seem not to act on this conviction.
This blog entry is not an effort at evangelizing. It is not even an attempt to challenge those who upon careful reflection consciously opt not to affiliate with a particular religious faith or denomination. However, what does concern me is the increasing disposition among parents to simply not consider participation in religious practice with any degree of commitment or regularity. My concern is not in terms of the decision these parents make for themselves. Rather, my concern is for their children who growing volumes of very reputable research point out would derive great value from participation in religious practices. Again, no argument is held with careful and thorough reflection that leads a parent to opt out. My argument is with those parents who opt out due to inconvenience and mental laziness. Where do you stand?
I remember vividly the situation as my child explained why such a dumb course of action had been undertaken. In amazement, I listened as my child explained, “I thought you would agree.” There is no way I could imagine that my child could conclude that I would agree with what had been done. I realized then that our children would not acquire our values and principles by osmosis. What was required was clear and precise teaching about the important matters of growing up. The burden was on us parents to teach if we expected our children to know what we wanted them to know and understand.
As a father of a son and two daughters, gender equity is very important to me. It is vital that all three of my children, regardless of gender, have full opportunity to develop their talents and abilities. Gender equity has, however, taken on a new twist. Recent reports indicate that equity has been approached as young women are as active as their male counterparts in abusing alcohol, illegal drugs and smoking.
When reading the report citing this development, I was reminded that with increased opportunity and freedom for children, the importance of parental teaching and guidance must be underscored. A sailboat will move in whatever direction the wind blows except for its center board and rudder. By using this equipment along with the win, the sailor can reach any destination. For children, the rudder and centerboard represent their values and dreams. Parents are instrumental in helping their children acquire and develop those values and dreams. Without them, a child is ‘rudder-less’ and subject to the ‘winds’ of negative peer pressures and short term thinking. With positive values and dreams, a child can build a successful life. Parents must take their duty of being a child’s first and best teacher very seriously.
We all know that peers, media (TV, music, movies, internet), parents/family, school, religion all play a part in how children acquire values and principles, but to what what is having the greatest impact?
Are your children getting more from the media than you think?
Are there ways to use the media and peers to teach positive values and principles?
Have you been able to combat the negative influences that you cannot directly control?
Here are the results of the last SWC Poll Question:
How long do you typically focus on
your New Year’s Resolutions?
1 Month - 5%
3 Months - 43%
6 Months - 33%
All Year - 5%
I don’t set them - 14%
The poll results are pretty typical and remind me of a kind of riddle I like to offer to kids after they return to school in early January. Why, I ask, are health clubs, Y’s and other fitness centers booming in January with new memberships flooding in and within 2-3 months, activity level is typically back to what it was in December? It usually takes some time, but eventually we begin to talk about the New Year’s Resolutions many people make having to do with health and fitness. The new memberships and heightened activity levels in January and February give way to the old habits that existed long before the resolutions were set at the New Year. The poll results reflect this phenomenon as well.
This ‘riddle’ is a useful way to teach kids what the poll results say most of us do as we embark on a new year full of expectations. Goal Setting is not Goal Attainment and for a variety of reasons there are a lot more of us that set goals than attain goals. Helping your child understand this distinction is valuable. But, even more effective in teaching our children about this distinction is the example we provide.
In a recent talk I gave to parents of children who will enter school in the fall of 2008, I discussed the importance of helping their children become hopeful and future oriented. I explained that over the years I have met two kinds of kids. The first understands that his or her future is created through choice and intent. Such an outlook correlates with many of the good things we want for our children. The second understands incorrectly that his or her future is a matter of fate and circumstance. This outlook correlates with many of the things we do not want for our children. I closed with the thought that it takes one to teach one and challenged the parents to take time to consider the dreams and goals they are pursuing. When was the last time you reflected on your own aspirations? And have you discussed any of them with your child?
Things can sneak up on you and if you aren’t careful they slip right by. Probably the most successful football player today is Tom Brady, quarterback of the New England Patriots. In a pre Super Bowl interview, he was asked if his young son would be attending the game. No, said Brady, he’s too young. He was then asked if he thinks he will ever get married. Yes, Brady answered, I want to get married someday. Millions, I am sure, were listening, many of them young children. One of the most influential role models for young people today, prompted by his interviewer, was speaking so casually about parenting a child outside of marriage. It was as if this was the natural order of things. I wonder how many parents let this slip by and how many used it as a teaching moment, reminding their children that marriage should precede having children, even for Super Bowl All Stars.
I have to admit it. I am a football fan and really enjoy all of the hoopla surrounding the Super Bowl. I read an article this morning that harkens back to two of my early sports heroes. Bart Starr was quarterback for the Green Bay Packers, the team that won the first two Super Bowls. He recalls his first encounter with the new Green Bay coach, the legendary Vince Lombardi. Lombardi, looking at his new and up until then, largely unsuccessful team, said, “Gentlemen, we are going to relentlessly chase perfection, knowing full well we will not catch it, because nothing is perfect. But we are going to relentlessly chase it, because in the process we will catch excellence. . . I am not remotely interested in just being good.” How many of us parents teach our children the difference between being mediocre (just being good) and excelling? How many of us expect of ourselves in the various aspects of our lives what Lombardi was attempting to teach his players?
The challenges and adversities experienced by a child while growing up have the potential to prevent that child from fully developing his or her talents and abilities. An example of such a tough time that a child can encounter occurs when his or her parents separate or divorce. A newly published book by Elizabeth Marquardt offers new insights into the experience of such a child. I previously blogged about these groundbreaking findings, but a quicker way to benefit from some of her insights can be accessed by reading this recent article by Marquardt in the Washington Post. If this is relevant to your child, I urge you to read the article. You and your child will benefit.
Certain times of the year, I can count on seeing noteworthy individuals featured in the media. The several weeks leading up to the Super Bowl is one such time when various individuals are featured and offer parents a great opportunity to teach their children who are football fans about character and the pursuit of excellence. Sure enough, I stumbled on my first such column this Super Bowl season describing New York Giants Coach Tom Coughlin. Link.Be on the lookout and forward any you find to us so we can make them available. They offer great teaching opportunities.
An important characteristic of successful families is an attitude of gratefulness and appreciation. It is this attitude that allows family members to survive tough times without cynicism and bitterness. It is this attitude that makes humor and smiles the norm rather than the exception. It is this attitude that enjoys other’s success rather than resent or be threatened by it. Successful parents cultivate in their families an attitude of gratitude.
As I helped my 89 and 90 year old aunts enter the church and find a seat before the wedding began, I was once more reminded that I played a role in my daughter’s growing up, but others did as well. In order to love and care for one’s child, a parent must have been loved and cared for. In many ways, what my wife and I gave to our daughter came from our parents and extended families. Your child needs you to be committed always to his or her well being. You can’t pour from an empty cup and your child can’t either.
Well, our youngest child was married this past weekend. What a thrill it is to witness your child successfully moving on into adulthood. As I walked my daughter down the aisle to her future husband, I couldn’t help but think that success in any field or endeavor pales in comparison to seeing your adult child walk proudly and confidently into his or her future. Succeeding as a parent is worth your greatest effort.
The political season is upon us … what a great opportunity to teach your child about government, civic responsibility and how to engage in such discussions effectively. I am struck as I listen to young and old alike talk about topics such as politics, religion and other matters of concern, about how thin on substance and high on passion most of those discussions are. This political season is a great opportunity to teach your child a different way to converse. It involves thinking, evaluating and discussing.
These are vital skills for your child to acquire. You can teach these skills to your child by teaching him or her that when trying to persuade another person about something, always start with the other person’s position first. Challenge your child to review and evaluate the other person’s position and if he or she still disagrees with it, provide cogent reasons why. Once your child has done this, then and only then, can his or her position be stated. If your child cannot successfully challenge the other’s position, perhaps his or her thinking should be reviewed.
Teaching your child this approach to discussion and persuasion can be practiced at the dinner table or in the car. Pick an issue. You portray a point of view. Whether it is yours or not is not important. Ask your child to pick apart the worthiness of the point of view you portray, if possible. Imagine playing this game many times over a period of years. It can be fun, informative and thought provoking. However, on the downside, it might diminish your child’s usage of the iPod or the gameboy.
Most of us set them every year! Do you set them and forget them? Share your resolutions with the community. Tell us your challenges, and those faced by your children.
Did you know that you can use the New Year as a way to teach your children lifelong lessons?
I am not surprised at the results of this poll. Positive traditions in a family are huge. Often we don’t appreciate how much we value something until we don’t have it. This is particularly true with family traditions surrounding holidays.
A recently returned veteran described the difficulty of being deployed during a holiday. He particularly missed the crowded family home caused by his adult siblings and nephews gathering
for the holiday … even if it meant he had to sleep on the couch because all the beds were used up.
The purposeful uses of positive traditions teach children and build family. Traditions provide families a shared culture that helps members belong and connect. They teach children that family is important and that being a family member brings both benefits and responsibilities.
Positive family traditions anchor children. No matter the challenges confronted or apparent lack of predictability in an ever changing world, positive family traditions offer children certainty … something that can be counted on. Children who have a consistent and predictable structure in their lives, and certainly positive family traditions contribute to such a structure, are significantly more successful than those who do not.
For so many reasons, value those positive traditions that are part of your family. Be aware that someone in your lineage had to begin for a first time each of the traditions your family now enjoys. Draw from these and consider how you might enrich your own family traditions with those you might want to begin for the first time.
Elizabeth Marquardt’s recently published book, Between Two Words: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce is on my short list for books to read. Reviews describe her work as a unique look at the experience of children whose parents divorce. What caught my eye about her work is the unique data on which the book is based and the focus she gives to those children whose parents “amicably divorce.”
Two other additions to my short list of books to read include Dr. Ben Carson’s, Take the Risk: Learning to Identify, Choose, and Live with Acceptable Risk, and his original book, Gifted Hands. Carson is a director of pediatric neurosurgery at Johns Hopkins Institutions, and is one of only a handful of black pediatric neurosurgeons in the world. More remarkable is the story of how his single mom raised Carson and his brother. This is the short version of Carson’s biography.
One of the most important lessons a parent can teach his or her child is to pick good role models to emulate. For example, when a child uses a successful older student as a role model and behaves as the older student behaves, the younger child will also, typically, do well in school.
The same holds true for parents. Increasingly, I try to inspire parents by providing them with parenting success stories. I recommend to parents that they pick out parents they know who have raised successful children and use them as role models from which to learn about parenting.
As you enter 2008 consider how you want to improve as a parent this year. What do you want to do more of and what do you want to do less of? Who is the most successful parent you know? Observe how they do what they do and learn from it. Utilize what is helpful. Discard what is not. Learn from the best parents you know and commit to being the best parent you can be.
